Not G rated jokes...

[Mike Casey]

Monica Lewinsky has gained some weight lately so she decided to pray about it. She said lord please help me get rid of my love handles. She prayed and prayed.


When she was done POOF her ears fell off!

[Mike Casey]

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line. Just one guy in front of me...

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated....

He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen today I get hundat eighty?? Why it change?"



The teller says "Fluctuations."



The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too."

[Mike Casey]

Dave was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had
just told them he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled
for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from
his fellow hunting buddies, Dave left to go back home to his wife.

When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day,
who should be there but Dave sitting in front of his tent, beer
in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave?"

"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply. "When I left the meeting
I went home, slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows.
Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful
see-through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me
to the bed and you can do whatever you want."

So here I am!

[Mike Casey]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

"There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"